We are such stuff as dreams are made on.

As I swelled up with pride watching my 14- to 18-year-old students perform their version of The Tempest this past Saturday, and as I registered the names and mannerisms of thirty 10- to 14-year-olds today, and as I watched the DVD of my fifth grade graduation boat trip with my friends a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't help but do some thinking about what it meant to be those various ages, and what it means now to be older than that.  I have two decades of life under my belt.  And I do somewhat feel the weight of those years.  But I can still swim inside the different heads I had at various ages.  I can crawl into the crevices of my ever shifting brain and remember.  And I can't help but want to shake my past selves.  Why was I so tentative to embrace everything that made me different?  Why was I convinced that every difference was a flaw?  Watching myself dance around that boat at 11 years old, I had an overwhelming desire to hold my own hand.  To tell myself that I didn't have to scramble to remain on the upper tier of the totem pole.  To tell myself I didn't have to slick my hair back in a ponytail to feign that it was straight.  Why didn't I let my curls go wild?  Why did I whisper nonsense in my friends' ears when I didn't care at all?  Why did I value the other girls' whispering back?  Why didn't I hang out with the motivational dancer the whole time like I wanted to?  Why didn't I shake my ass and grab the hand of the boy I liked and kiss him on the cheek and go back to dancing by myself?  Why didn't I go home and practice monologues and the piano?  Why was I embarrassed to have my head buried in books?  Why did I bury it in my cell phone?  In AIM?  Why did I let the glow of my computer sustain me at night instead of the glow of my reading lamp?  Why, when I got on stage--my true home, the root of everything true--was I not completely fearless?  Why did I let them tell me if I wasn't a soprano I wouldn't win?  Why did I let them tell me belting wasn't real singing?  Why did I let them tell me my hair was too messy?  Why did I let myself believe my friends in their leotards were performing for the boys in the audience, and I was performing for the relatives, old people, and teachers?  Why did I let them tell me I wasn't smart enough?  Why did I let them laugh when I fucked up?


I was smart enough.  I never would have been perfect.  But had I been empowered, I could have failed beautifully instead of bashfully.  Now, I strive for excellence.  Now, I value myself enough to demand the best of myself.  Now, I understand I will never succeed if I believe it every time someone tells me I can't.  I just wish there had been more people who didn't just applaud when I did, but who actually told me I could and believed that I would.


My job tests me to the point where I have no choice but to believe I am capable.  But I am not testing these kids.  I am putting Shakespeare in front of them, and I am telling them, "Here.  This can be yours.  I will help you.  And it will be yours.  And I can't wait to watch you own it."

Lists

Things I started doing this summer:

• Packing my lunch for the next day every night
• Picking out my clothes for the next day every night
• Reading every day
• Driving every day
• Taking my vitamins every day (some of us are slow learners...)

Things I have done this summer:

• Read Comedy of Errors, The Winter's Tale, Richard II, The Merry Wives of Windsor
• Seen Henry IV Pt. 1, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Macbeth
• Learned how to use In Design (a work in progress)
• Cooked using pumpkin in 3 different ways: pumpkin chocolate chip pancakes, pumpkin mac 'n cheese, inside out chocolate pumpkin cookies.  Yup.
• Ran for the first time in 3 months!  (yes, this means the boot is OFF)
• Bought a Nook!  In the ongoing effort to read more contemporary literature...

Things I want to do this summer:

• Read all the history plays
• Read a bunch of other Shakespeare my students have read and I haven't
• Write something of significance
• Pick a concept for a play that I actually like
• Get to the gym at least every weekend
• See Peter and the Starcatcher and other assorted plays that could be life-changing
• Read stuff on my Nook
• Get.  To.  The.  Beach.

As always, the goals exceed all else.  But here it is for posterity.  Let's make stuff happen.

After a 15-hour work day...

I want to post something poetic.  I am chin-deep in poetry.  I am completely immersed in Shakespeare.  I am completely in awe of this experience.  But damn.  I'm not sure I have ever been worked so hard.  I can't seem to rewind to the beginning, so here is just a taste of a day in the life of an Education/Dramaturgy intern at the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey.  My day today:

8:20 AM Alarm goes off
8:30 AM "Mel, are you supposed to be up now?"- Mom
9:10 AM A delicious breakfast consisting of my new go-to oatmeal by Kashi with my new go-to accoutrements, golden raisins and Richard's peanut butter.  Nummmz.
9:25 AM "Bye Mom see ya never!"
9:27 AM Discover old Michelle Branch CD.  WIN.
9:52 AM Roll into STNJ, park my ass at Tilghman, lug all my shit up to the third floor.  Ready for action.
10:00 AM No one is here except for all the interns and we don't have enough chairs.
10:05 AM Lalalala catching up on Shakespeare (WHICH, by the way, I am reading out of my brand spanking new Complete Works of William Shakespeare by Pelican- the edition I finally settled on and am completely thrilled with!)
11:25 AM "Oh shit we have to go to Text Analysis"
11:35 AM Our boss tells us we can sit at the table instead of off to the side.  Things suddenly become less awkward.
12:30 PM We're doing acting exercises.  Things suddenly become more awkward.
1:00 PM "LET'S EAT LUNCH OMG WE'RE STARVING"
1:15 PM Emily (co-intern) finds a fork.
1:20 PM Devour salad (kale, sun-dried tomatoes, almonds, goat cheese, sesame ginger dressing- unbelievable combo) and apple.
1:25 PM Decide to devour coffee flavored yogurt.  Pronounce "YOLO."
2:00 PM Lalala I love my Pelican Complete Works.
3:00 PM "Oh shit we have to do all the Play Reading worksheets and folding playbills and things"
3:30 PM Arrive on time for Play Reading.
3:40 PM We move outdoors for Play Reading.
3:45 PM We encounter every kind of bug possible (ants, giant ants, butterflies, bees, spiders) and they are probably all crawling up our skirts.
3:50 PM Oh but Richard II is so wonderful.
5:45 PM "LET'S EAT DINNER OMG WE'RE STARVING"
6:10 PM Thank you, Atlanta Bread, for a decent, lovely meal, and the most social one I've had in Madison thus far--with four other interns!
6:47 PM "Oh shit we have to be at the theater for ushering by 7"
6:58 PM We made it.
7:00 PM Stuff playbills, listen to instructions, wait for people to come.
7:30 PM People are here!  "Welcome!"  "Enjoy the show!"  "Would you like a playbill?"
8:00 PM "Now what do we do?"
9:30 PM Intermission!  "Drinks and chips are $2, candy is $3"
9:45 PM "OMG WE'RE SO TIRED WE NEED STARBUCKS"
10:10 PM Collectively decide Starbucks is the best thing to ever happen.
10:20 PM Sit and breathe and and laugh and drink coffee in the DoYo.
10:30 PM People show up for Late Nite.  I accost them with the sign-in list and shove playbills at them.
11:05 PM Ah.  Show-time.
11:07 PM Wow these witches are TERRIFYING.
11:40 PM Damnit I love Macbeth (excuse me, "the Scottish play")
12:00 AM Rachel (stage management intern, fellow LHS Theatre alum, carpool buddy) turns 19!
12:15 AM "Are we too tired to celebrate?"- Rachel "Yup."- Me
1:00 AM Home.

Things that happened this year.

In return for coming to school early, they gave me the best fellowees on the planet:

Even though I moved to Joss, my Davi friendships became broader, stronger, and sexier:

I stole some Davi kids to make my small but awesome Vassar directing debut:

The Drama Department let me do this:

Which led to a lot of this:

My a cappella group got even crazier (lolcatz):

As did my schedule:

On my birthday I did some more of the "acting thing":

Which was followed by this:

My friends are simply unreal (and exceptionally attractive):

This is how they keep me sane:

Especially when this happened:

The show still went on:

And it gave me this kind of happiness:

So, even though this summer I will be doing this:

And this fall I will be doing this:

I know how lucky I am to be able to come back to this:

Thank you, Vassar and Vassar friends, for another beautiful year.  You have equipped me with the peace of mind to begin my great adventure.  I look forward to returning with an enlightened mind and an open heart in the spring.

Eye on the prize...

Sometimes when, hypothetically, things like fracturing your fifth metatarsal happen, the only way to get through it is to bite the bullet, stop, breathe, and remember what is ahead.  The future is still coming, and whatever you have to do will get done, despite some slight adjustments.

OK, so I did fracture my fifth metatarsal.  And the timing is, frankly, shitty.  But Hair will still happen.  Founder's Day will still happen.  Finals will, unfortunately, still happen.  The summer will still happen.  England will still happen (got accepted to my study abroad program- YAY!).  Things just need to be taken in slow, hobbling stride.  Which is hard for me, to say the least.  I would say this is an opportunity to stop and smell the flowers, but it's spring and the flowers are out to kill me.  So I'll stop to look at them from afar instead.  That's just what it's going to have to be about: making the best of everything while taking care of myself.  Not a bad life attitude either.

Spring break! Get tan! Go wild!

read: 2 Weeks in Livingston!  Wear sweatpants!  Apply for internships!

My Facebook feed is flooded with pictures of bikinied sorority sisters going shot for shot on exotic beaches with their bleary eyed boy toys in tow.  Okay, so my break was a bit quieter than that.  And maybe my best friends ditched me to go Euro-touring with the Vassar choirs.  And maybe I had, like, all of the homework and summer internship applying to do.  However, the unique thing about this break was that it was chock full of celebrity spottings.  Actually.  I saw more celebrities in a shorter time span than I ever have before.  So in the midst of crafting ever so sophisticated cover letters and going to the MoMA for my Actor's Craft project and reading Waiting for Godot and just generally feeling/acting like a complete Vass-hole, I FELT A LITTLE BIT COOL, OK?  So, for your reading pleasure, here's why:

1. My mom and I actually spent 4 lovely days in the Berkshires at Canyon Reach, exercising and spa-ing and portion control eating ourselves to death.  It was all fun and games until we spotted Chris Noth.  Hello, hello Mr. Big.  The guy was following us everywhere!  Do you know how hard it is to even attempt to look impressive in exercise clothes?

2. Upon return, I spent an amazing and LONG day in NYC with mah boiz Matt and Aaron from BAM!  We waited in line for 8 plus hours for Book of Mormon standing-room-only tix.  In the theater, we had a celebrity spotting, but we couldn't put our finger on exactly who the dude was.  Naturally we decided to take a picture with him anyway.  I checked my handy dandy IMDB app and looked up at my two fellow HIMYM fans in disbelief: it was Kyle McLachlan, The Captain!  We couldn't get over it the whole train ride home.

3. We also stuck around at the stage door for a bit before catching our train, and I got to have a delightful conversation with Nikki M. James, Tony award-winning star of BoM and fellow LHS alum!  We bonded over having both been in Notations.  I was also completely nerdy and told her I saw her in Hello, Dolly when I was eight and I still remember how amazing she was.  Swoon.  Girl crush.

4. Joan Rivers performed at my temple, which was as interesting as it sounds.  Although I wasn't completely pleased with all of her act's content, I had seen her documentary "A Piece of Work" beforehand, so I definitely had respect for how hard she works.  At the dessert reception afterwards, I told her I loved what she said about theater in her film--how it's always "all about the acting."  I told her I was a Drama major and she told me that, if I love it, I have to keep doing it.  And be prepared to be rejected.  Over and over again.  It's a daunting prospect, but it was cool to hear coming from someone who has more than successfully overcome rejection.

5. I went to see a community theater production of The Last 5 Years and Jane Krakowski's mom, Barbara, was the artistic director!  She introduced herself to my mom and me before the show and talked to me about "making it in the biz."  She was really so sweet.  And really looked scarily like Jane.  It turns out she used to do the "acting thing" herself.  I was seriously close to asking her to serenade me with Muffin Top.

So there you have it.  My little spring break turned into a Lady Gaga status fame factory.  And I even got some work done so that, hopefully, one day people will be able to spot me.

A weekend in the life.

Why Vassar is the best thing that ever happened to me:

In just this past weekend, I directed and performed in a cabaret, hit up the Acrop diner at midnight with my dearest of friends, invented a rhubarb dance in acting class, learned beautiful Hair harmonies, ate delicious empanadas with my girl Miranda, crashed a cast bonding, learned the (interesting) art of contact improv, took a nap (!), got sushi with the twinsies (Doug and Reeve), watched the Vassar Repertory Dance Theater perform at the Bardovan Opera House in Poughkeepsie, made it over to Jewett's yearly Seven Deadly Sins themed party, popped by a frisbee party, learned a new a cappella song, worked at the Writing Center, read "Mrs. Warren's Profession" by George Bernard Shaw, and even caught Meryl win her Oscar.

Maybe the time management skills picked me.  But I definitely picked the right school.